A Moment In Commentary History

Everyone knows that I have long been on some Gym Dog crack (my love started when they were still badasses) but Jamie Ackerman did make me grip my desk when she'd commentate. Romanza used to scream to "make it stop" when we'd watch the meets.

Two thousand and five was a rough year in general for the Gym Dogs, but Jamie Ackerman's commentary was the true icing on the cake. No, it wasn't Audrey Bowers doing the chicken dance and loving it. That was mildly amusing once someone confirmed that she never rode a short bus to school.


There are so many Ackermanisms that come flooding back the second I hear her yelling way too close to an internet microphone. It used to take her all of Nikki Childs' beam routine to put into words exactly why Nikki had pretty lines on beam and would show off her flexibility.



"As she gets set into the corner. As she gets out of the corner."


"And she steps on the floor with a big smile on her face."

"She goes down on the floor for her down on the floor dance." (Bitch, we have eyes.)

"Whip half RUDDDIIIIIIII"

She had a somewhat lesbian crush on Kelsey (even those Jamie has jungle fever):



"NAAAIIIIIIILLLLLLSSSS IT" Throwing her head backkkk and she's pointing toward the sky!


And yes, Jamie even liked to sing too!!! Remember when the Gym Dogs all pretended that Nikki Childs was some amazing singer? Notice how that only lasted a hot second. And is it me, or was Ashley Kupets blacker than Marcia Newby?


The Gym Dogs sucked in 2005, but they sucked with pride. Ashley Kupets, Nikki Childs and Kelsey Ericksen had rather fun floor routines. Unfortunately, Jamie scarred me for life to ever want to watch any of them.

Quote of the Day

"She's not going to have ANY room for her makeup,." ~The Quad King on the news of Tanith and Johnny rooming together.

Note: The Quad King roomed with Johnny on Champions On Ice and claims there wasn't even room for his toothbrush in their shared bathroom.

This and That

Michelle Kwan will be serving as a special correspondent for Good Morning America at the Olympic Games in Vancouver. There hasn't been any word on whether she will be working with NBC again, but there is enough of MK to go around. Kwan's first report will be Friday, February 12. Given MK's commentary debut at Worlds, I'm a bit concerned about her three wow factors and hopes that she keeps it casual and is herself. She is much better at speaking when she is natural and casual, instead of going after it like a Power Asian and having a script in mind. "I've never seen a skater FLYYYYYYYYY into a triple-triple combination." Yeesh. It will be great to see her and hopefully Robin Roberts will ask her some questions and put her at ease. I bet MK will get a lot better as the Olympics go along.

Ingo Steure said that Savchenko and Szolkowy will be going to Worlds. He thinks that Shen and Zhao and the Russians are overscored. Word is that the Clowns have replaced their side-by-side triple salchows with double axels in their long program. They have not determined whether or not they will continue competing should another team defeat them at the Olympic Games. Steuer avoided the press after the Clowns competed their first official practice in Vancouver


Johnny Weir will be featured on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbal. Given what a cranky and grumpy ass Bryant can be, this should be Must See TV.


FSU has a thread with several articles from the French newspaper l'equipe that leak parts of an email sent by American judge Joe Inman to sixty other international judges. It asks them to be far stricter when judging Evgeny Plushenko and Brian Joubert. Didier is already saying that this shows obvious lobbying by the Americans. It may not necessarily be lobbying FOR North American skaters specifically and I certainly commend Joe for taking a stand against the blatant score inflation given to Plushenko and Joubert. Can he actually be punished for asking the judges to apply the rules? I don't know, but I really want to see what other emails go back and forth between judges and officials.

P.S. Of course the North Americans lobby for skaters. Canada's judges are notorious for failing to cooperate, which has been cumbersome when trying to counteract the European blocks of support over the years.


Johnny Weir is all over the press for his comments about fur. This controversy was initially somewhat intentional, but got blown out of proportion. He mentions having three pounds to lose before Vancouver and seems to be soaking up the media attention, despite all claims to be avoiding it.


Alissa Czisny just parted ways with her longtime coach, Julie Berlin. This is a good move for Czisny, but it only came about four years too late. By two years ago, it was clear that her career needed a major shakeup.

Ode To The Baby Ballerinas

At the turn of the century, God bestowed some of the most fabulous ladies skaters ever on the US. There were fabulous in a way that the Europeans would bitch about because they could never be as thin or attractive. The requirements for being a baby ballerina:

(Must meet at least five of the criteria.)
-Have an old famous coach who is sarcastic.
-Have a fantastic spiral, layback and ina bauer.
-Wear dresses that Peggy Fleming drools over.
-Have tremendous expression and artistry.
-Flutz like Nicole Bobek
-Reel off triple-triples, quads or unique elements---as flawed as some jumping technique would be.
-Have a mother who is batshit crazy.
-Have a family member with some sort of serious illness.
-Demonstrate and/or voice a clear reverence for the Kwan.
-An utter inability to compete with MK.
-You qualified for a world team but were too young and thus, replaced by Angela Nikodinov after she delivered another forgettable performance at US Nationals.
-You had an army of gays and eventually became BFF with Timothy Goebel and Johnny Weir.
-'Keri Lotion' counted as one of your 'first major competitions' and you skated well but still lost to Kwan.
-The media ate you up like one of Oprah's Favorite Things after a single performance.
-You did Pilates before it became a fad.
-You have a penchant for getting filmed talking on your cell phone---either to your choreographer or the President.


And the most important:
-Develop a serious hip injury that breaks the hearts of your millions of gay fans.


Sarah Hughes was around at this time, but she is not a 'baby ballerina' because she had already broken through and was not truly fabulous. Tanith Belbin, Jamie Silverstein and Tiffany Stiegler were contemporaries, but they are not true baby ballerinas because the baby ballerinas are all singles skaters.

The baby ballerinas:

Jenny Kirk, 2000 Junior World Champion


Naomi Nari Nam, 1999 US National Silver Medalist
(she may have fallen here, but the musicality and choreography is beyond words.)


Sasha Cohen, The Jewish Princess, 2000 US National Silver Medalist


Deanna Stellato, 1999/2000 Junior Grand Prix Final Champion


Ann Patrice McDonough, 2002 Junior World Champion

Miss Jackson If Ya Nasty

Susan Jackson has never had her due, until this season. Ms. Jackson is kicking major ass every weekend and is currently the #1 AAer in the country. She has been giving a Courtney Kupets-level performance week after week after week and it is time to recognize. The girl has come a LONG way from her freshman year when she used to balk on her vault in training.

She is scoring 9.9s like it is her job and we all need to recognize her amazing performance level.

Tiger Claw!

Make It Or Break It: Let's Talk About Sex

Our girls from Make It Or Break It have been a little randy lately. There girls don't seem to go to school, so boys seem to be their only diversion from the gym. And they make the most of them.

Well Emily Kmetko has just been insufferable lately. Oh boo hoo, I am trailer trash and everyone loves me and wants to make me their Cinderella. You can see where this story line is going with Emily having prom next week... Well, Emily has had some confidence issues lately after making the National Team and becoming an internet celebrity. People are starting to talk about her and she isn't used to it. Emily should call me, we'll talk about it. I really could've sworn the MIOBI writers took lines about Emily from my blog when they were writing the episode, because the imaginary bloggers really were dead on about her gymnastic abilities.

Emily's mother gave her this big nauseating speech about "owning her story" and being the one to tell it and define it. Ok, so they keep hinting at this big secret past, as though there is something that will be revealed. No, Emily totally 'owned' that she took gymnastics at the 'YMCA' and learning to swing bars on a jungle gym. Big effing deal Emily. I want to hear about you being so poor that your mother considered selling you into prostitution, or made you deal drugs in school to put some food on the table. It was the lamest story ever. I don't care that you got a 15.800 on bars at Nationals, because you're just going to start eating pizza at 'The Shack' one of these days. Oh, does anyone else LOVE how it is named 'The Shack' when we know that this is all a big act and that Emily was either a giant whore in the past (and subsequently a born-again virgin) or is currently a closet slut. The thing that gets me about Emily is that all these boys are in love with her, yet she seems to have a rather bland personality. She is 'nice,' but I'd much rather hang out with her mother. The MIOBI producers can't pay to keep both of her boy toys on the pay roll in the same episode, so Boy Toy A is back at 'The Shack' and the other one is off in LA. She saw him but he had some big secret about the deal not going well. This well, sparks were really flying with Boy Toy A (who I've always found hotter, cuter and way more charming and charismatic---I'd do him) and she was being ignored by LA Musician Boy. Well, Boy Toy A was covering his dupa because he was totally in jail like all of her mother's old boyfriends. Hmm who will take her to prom? Oh, Emily got Carter a job at 'The Shack' since he is poor now. Maybe they'll get together too.

Lauren, being the resident good samaritan, has taken Carter into her house after realizing that he is broke as shit. That is my Lauren, always thinking of attractive others. Lauren got Carter a frame for the photo of his mother for Valentines Day and even waited up in his bed for him when he came home drunk. They almost got together again (which is just a matter of time) but not yet. Lauren hasn't told Kaylie that he is staying there and Lauren isn't supposed to ever have anything to do with Carter again. Carter seems to like booze and Prom is next week and you all know what happens down at the Jersey Shore after prom...

Lauren has been telling everyone the Nicky and Kaylie have feelings for each other and was just being a sociopathic bitch so she could free up Carter for herself, except for the fact that they DO have sparks. He was doing push ups over her and having her push him up when Payson strolled in and saw. Payson was crestfallen because she likes Nicky and he supposedly liked her and that caused him to blow her off. Kaylie, being the good friend, decided not to hook up with Nicky even though she really wanted to. Carter put rose petals in the shape of a heart in her trunk and she found it pretty pathetic. Payson just ruins everything! Now Nicky even moved away to Denver because he just couldn't take the drama or not being with Lauren!

It turns out that Payson has been a bit of a bad ass lately. Payson is all depressed about having to go to high school, so she started cutting class on Day 1. Payson met this boy who was leading her down the path to drugs and alcohol. I was really living for it and was actually starting to like Pay for a hot minute. It was not to be. Payson may have actually been a bad ass for a shorter amount of airtime than DJ Tanner was anorexic on Full House or that Jesse Spano was addicted to 'caffeine pills' on Saved By The Bell. She gave her burn out boy toy this speech about having something to believe in. Payson had been teased at school by the Mean Girls, but Lauren and Kaylie saved the day like the Pink and Yellow Ranger with round off+back handspring+back tucks. The Queen B was PISSED that Payson had the nerve to give her corrections on her tumbling in gym class.

Payson had been very rude to this Katie Heenan type who wanted to be her best friend and include her in everything. I was living for Payson being 'too cool' for someone, but they eventually turned out to be friends. That girl actually sent Payson a rose for Valentines Day. She had thought it was from burn out boy, which was very Shakespearean of the writers, but it turned out to be from Katie Heenan. Maybe they could become lesbians? The writers already have a boy in a wheelchair on the show (Kmetko's lil bro) who looks like that token Burger King character from the '90s.

Payson actually got called to the Principal's office and Roz was all upset until Payson rambled off some bullshit about thinking "it was gym or nothing" but now she realized that it was "gym or everything."


Speaking of DJ Tanner. Candace got in touch with her inner Grace Taylor and gave the girls a big speech about waiting until they are married to 'give it up.' Needing a reason to be on the show, Candace and Sasha dry humped after he scoffed at her waiting until marriage. She was totally feeling him. Hey, she never said she was opposed to a Britney Spears wedding in Vegas! They could totally take the plunge, do the nasty and then get an annulment. (Gotta love those straights protecting the sanctity of marriage.)

Mrs. Kmetko and Mr. Tanner are also dating and were last seen about to do the nasty in Carter's bed. Mr. Tanner doesn't know that he is living there (did they not see all his shit?) or that he is literally 'in the closet.'

Oh my shit, there was a HUGE cliff hanger this week. HUGE! HUGE! HUGE!

You SO didn't see this coming!!! This was an Emmy Award-winning moment!!!!


Roz got a call from Sasha that some doctor in Germany heard about Payson's surgery and happens to have just the surgical technique to fix her back. Roz didn't immediately tell Payson. We can only hope that she hears about it during the season finale and contemplates becoming a cutter.

Before They Were Stars: Belgosto

Belgosto made their Jr Worlds debut in 2000. It was quite the hot Junior World team. This was their first year competing together. They won the bronze.



Belgosto debuted at Senior Nationals in 2001 and earned a silver medal with this free dance. They went on to win the silver at Junior Worlds.


Belgosto competed at their second senior World Championships in 2002. They would've competed in Salt Lake City, but Tanith was not yet a US Citizen. They finished 13th at Worlds and were finally the Jr World Champions that year.


Belgosto really started to break through during the 2002-2003 season and they actually won the OD at Nationals. The OD has always tended to be their strength (except for any year involving a folk dance.)